The Babble in eight acts
(This is one of the last surviving scripts I wrote for our small group in the 1980s. This is a nonsense parody play, using dramatic irony and other elements to set up odd realities that do not on the surface have logic, but have their own odd logic, and when taken together create its own strange sense. Let me know if it works)
ACT ONE: CREATION
Scene: Herbert and Peg are seated in a dark section of a theater balcony, when Ken in an usher’s uniformed comes up and whispered.
KEN: Quick, now
While nobody’s looking
HERBERT: (Fiddling with something in front and below him, but just out of view)
I can’t get it off
KEN: You’ve got to.
I ain’t got all night
My break is only for15 minutes
HERBERT-- So is mine.
KEN: Besides, Susie is waiting, and she won’t wait all night
PEG: (In a jealous tone) Who is Susie?
HERBERT -- Ken’s girlfriend.
KEN --Stop gabbing, and give me the damned thing
PEG: (To Herbert) What does he want?
KEN: Will you please.
Susie is waiting and I’m running out of time.
PEG: Herbert!
Tell me what he wants!
HERBERT: He needs to borrow it when we’re through.
KEN: Yeah, so get it off
PEG: He wants it used?
KEN: Get it off.
You ain’t THAT big, Herbert.
PEG: (To Ken) Why on earth do you want it used?
KEN: Why do you think?
PEG: (horrified) Used?
HERBERT: We can’t afford to buy any more.
PEG: (to Herbert) What do you mean WE?
HERBERT: I got it from Billy.
KEN: Quit bragging and take it off.
PEG: You used a used one on me?
HERBERT: Keep your voice down, Peg
You want our boss to hear you?
KEN: Just get the freaking thing off, will you?
HERBERT-- I’m trying, but it hurts.
PEG: I don’t believe you two.
That’s the last time I’m going to let any usher in this theater touch me.
KEN: (to Herbert) Do you need help?
Let me do it.
HERBERT -- You’re hurting me, Kenny
PEG: Let me out of here.
KEN: Don’t move or you’re cut off his circulation
Damn! Now you’ve done it.
PEG: Done what?
KEN: Tore the thing.
Now what I’m going to do?
PEG: Help! Police! Help!
ACT TWO: CAIN AND ABEL
Monkey #1
Hey bub, what do you think you’re doing?
Monkey #2
I’ve got as much right to these bananas as you do, you big ape.
Monkey #1:
Then maybe I’m going to have to teach you a little lesson
Monkey# 2
Sure, I’ve heard that before
You guys are all the same
You sit on your load of bananas never sharing
When some starving chimp comes alone, you get all hot and bothered.
Monkey #1:
Boy, chum, you got an attitude problem.
Did you ever think of going to see a good shrink?
Monkey #2:
I’ve seen shrinks
But I can’t afford anybody good enough for the few bananas I can afford to pay
With chimps like you hogging everything up
Monkey #1
Don’t blame me for your not getting therapy.
There are plenty of free clinics that you can use
Monkey #2
Free clinics?
You got to be kidding?
All they give you is a prescription to Xanax and tell you to go find a job
Monkey #1
Don’t tell me your hard luck stories.
Just get off my bunch of bananas or I’ll kill you.
Monkey #2
You wouldn’t dare.
ACT 3: Virgin birth
SCENE: Science lab at college
PROFESSOR: This is a black hole.
STUDENT: So that’s what a black hole looks like
It looks bigger on TV
PROFESSOR: If you look carefully, you will notice the edge is covered with a strange gummy substance.
Be careful not to touch it.
It can lead to hemorrhoids.
STUDENT: Oh my gosh
PROFESSOR: But don’t worry.
If you touch it on your way in we can always wipe it off with a towel
STUDENT: On my way in?
I’m not going in there
It’s dark and disgusting
Do I look crazy?
PROFESSOR: Let’s be reasonable.
You are studying to become a scientist and that is a noble professional.
Things like this will come up from time to time in the study of science.
You will just have to get used to them.
STUDENT: I don’t care.
I’m not climbing in there.
Just look at the first step. It’s all black and oily
What the hell is that stuff anyway?
PROFFESSOR: (pointing) You mean that?
STUDENT: Yes, that.
PROFESSOR: I’m afraid that’s the remains of the last student who tried to climb in.
STUDENT: (alarmed) WHAT!!!!
PROFESSOR: It’s all right
He was only a freshman.
STUDENT: (more firmly) I’m not going in there.
PROFESSOR: What about science?
Are you going to let research suffer because you are afraid to go into a little hole in space?
STUDENT: Now that I look at it again, it seems a million light years wide.
PROFESSOR: Don’t exaggerate.
What did I tell you about inaccuracies?
We are scientists. We must a fountain of truth, not misinformation.
STUDENT: I’m sorry.
It’s only a half million light years wide
PROFESSOR: That’s better.
Now let’s get moving before we have to end the class.
I need to know before next week how you react.
STUDENT: But professor...
PROFESSOR: You must go. It is required to pass my class.
STUDENT: All right, I’m going in
PROFESSOR: Good for you, son.
Keep your chin up.
Just be careful with that first step.
I said BE CAREFUL
Ah, damn.
I never expected to lose a sophomore like that.
Next!
ACT 4: Crucifixion
SCENE: Presidential box at The Ford Theater
ANNOUNCER: (from the stage) Ladies and gentleman
I regret to announce that this play is being performed under protest by the leading man because management has decided to use an under study to replace our leading lady, Miss Gracie Grable.
Miss Grable has apparently had some throat problems as a result from her date with the play’s earlier today.
This has been a public service announcement.
PRESIDENT: Did you hear what he said?
MRS. PRESIDENT: Not a word, Abe.
PRESIDENT: Why can’t you stop yapping for a minute to listen to these things?
VICE PRESIDENT: Don’t treat her like that. Go pull on your beard.
MRS. PRESDENT: That’s telling him, Johnny.
You’ll get a special treat later for that.
VICE PRESIDENT: Thank you, Sweetheart
Maybe later we can go get married.
PRESIDENT: (to Mrs. President) His name is Johnson, not Johnny.
(To Vice President) And for you information, she is already married.
MRS. PRESIDENT (to President) That’s because you won’t give me a divorce
(To vice president) Old Mr. Portrait on a Penny here says a divorce would be bad for his image.
VICE PRESIDENT: What image?
People have been laughing behind his back for years.
PRESIDENT: Who? Tell me who?
VICE PRESIDENT: You wouldn’t know them. You don’t know anybody.
(To Mrs. President) Would you marry me if honest ape here wasn’t around?
MRS. PRESIDENT: (Sighing) You know I would.
(looks as president) But alas, he is still with us.
VICE PRESIDENT: Don’t you worry, darling.
I’ve made arrangements with the Ticket Booth to take care of that.
TICKET BOOTH (appearing from out of the curtain behind the three) Did you call me?
PRESIDENT: Who are you?
TICKET BOOTH: I’m Ticket Booth, who are you?
PRESIDENT: I’m the president; and I have a dental problem.
TICKET BOOTH: You should try polly stiff. I hear it makes you hard at a rock and eats away at problem dandruff.
PRESIDENT: I don’t have problem dandruff. I have a dental problem.
TICKET BOOTH -- I’m sure you have.
Maybe you should come along with me.
PRESIDENT: What for?
TICKET BOOTH: To eat away at your problem dandruff
PRESIDENT: Not dandruff, dental
TICKET BOOTH: Whatever.
MRS. PRESIDENT: Go ahead, dear.
Johnny can fill in for you while you’re gone -- if he doesn’t eat a peach and break a tooth on its pit.
VICE PRESIDENT -- No one would dare give me a peach.
PRESIDENT: Are you certain it’s all right?
MRS PRESIDENT: I’m sure you won’t miss a thing. Certainly nobody’s going to miss you.
TICKET BOOTH -- Not at this range, anyway.
PRESIDENT -- (to Ticket Booth) Will this hurt?
TICKET BOOTH -- No more than a slight headache.
PRESIDENT: I suppose I should.
Let me just smile and wave one more time for my adoring public.
MRS. PRESIDENT: You have no adoring public dead. Besides, everybody is watching the play.
You wouldn’t want to disturb them anyway.
The play is all around world wide oil shortages, nothing a president should concern himself with.
PRESIDENT: But I like Science fiction
TICKET BOOTH -- Will you please come along. The next show starts in a half an hour and you know how people get when they have to wait on line.
PRESIDENT: All right, all right, I’m coming
(Ticket booth and President slip out through the current followed by an off stage gun shot)
ACT 5: The gospel according to St. Paul
SCENE: A ditch with wooden spiked barriers, a slightly tilted cannon, and several men in gray making up the defensive line of Confederate unit
CHARLIE: You know, Lennon.
We’ve been sitting here now for nearly two whole years
And we ain’t seen hide nor hair of no Yankees
LENNON: Raise the door!
CHARLIE: But Lennon.
We’re supposed to be fighting for The South
And getting medals to bring home to ma and pa
Like our dear old brother Bill did
Two and half years ago.
Yet we ain’t fired our rifles once.
LENNON: Raise the door
CHARLIE: Lennon?
You ain’t gone and to religion on me, have you?
LENNON: Raise the door!
CHARLIE: (Yelling down the line to another soldier) Hey, Billy-bob
I think there’s something wrong with Lennon.
He keeps picking his nose and yelling “Raise the door.”
BILLY-BOB (Rushes towards Charlie, trying to keep low, but clearly scared as he jumps into the trench, out of breath)
What do you want, Charlie?
It better be important, you yelling like a mad man.
You could get us all killed.
CHARLIE: It’s Lennon.
Something’s wrong with him.
BILLY BOB: What?
LENNON: Raise the door!
CHARLIE: That.
He ain’t say nothing in nearly two years.
Now it won’t say anything else.
BILLY BOB_ Let’s have a look at him.
say, there’s something in his mouth.
CHARLIE: Let me see! Let me see!
My God! Would you look at that!
BILLY BOB: You can say that again.
(Pulls out a wish bone)
I can’t remember the last time we ate chicken
Charlie: I can.
Two years ago.
ACT 6 -- Resurrection
(Richard and Beatrice are seated in their living room when the door bell rings)
RICHARD: I wonder who that could be this time of night?
BEATRICE: It’s only nine o’clock, Dick
RICHARD: Beaty, Beaty, Beaty
How many times have I told you never to call me Dick?
BEATRICE: Just answer the door
RICHARD (Rises from his chair, goes to the door and opens it.)
My God! It’s Bill Lawyers.
I haven’t seen you, Bill since the war.
When was that? 62? 63?
BILL: Sixty two, Dick
Boy, have we come along way.
BEATRICE: How come Bill can call you Dick and I can’t?
RICHARD: Simple, Beaty. I like him.
BEATRICE: But I’m your wife.
RICHARD: Which is exactly my point.
(To Bill)
So tell me, Bill, what have you been doing with yourself all these years?
Let me take your coat.
(takes the coat and it is full of holes)
What happened to this? Have the moths been at it?
BILL: No, Dick. It’s been through the war.
BEATRICE: Did you get wounded?
BILL: No, every one missed me.
RICHARD: Boy, that is luck.
I heard they made your president
BILL: No, vice president.
But it’s a better position by far
What’s life without a little vice?
BEATRICE: (Touching her hair to make certain it is still in place)
Dick, why haven’t I met Bill sooner.
He’s seems to be your only interesting friend.
RICHARD: Bill’s been away for a while
Something about a cross and all that.
Isn’t that true, Bill?
Why are you smiling like that at my wife?
(To Beatrice)
Why are you smiling back?
BEATRICE: Don’t worry about it, Dick
BILL: Yeah, Dick
Why don’t you go outside and Raise the door,
While I get to know your wife better?
BEATRICE: Bill and I will talk about old times.
RICHARD: But you hardly know Bill
BEATRICE: I’ll take a crash course.
Good bye, Dick
Hello (exaggerated) Bill.
ACT 7: The Assumption
(Department store clothing department)
SALES GIRL: Can I help you, Madam?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know. I haven’t decided.
SALESGIRL: Would you like to look at these nice watches?
CUSTOMER: No, not really.
SALESGIRL: What about these diamond earrings?
CUSTOMER: Diamonds?
Lord, no.
They are much too expensive
SALESGIRL: So what would you like to look at?
CUSTOMER: Skirts
SALESGIRL: I’m sorry. That’s not my department.
If you would be so good as to go over to that other counter.
There’s a gentleman there who can help you.
CUSTOMER: But I’m here.
Besides, I don’t want a man selling me a skirt.
SALESGIRL: Raise the door!
Talk about touchy
CUSTOMER: You don’t have to swear
Let me speak with your supervisor
SALESGIRL: Very well, wait here.
(leaves and a male manager appears)
MANAGER: Can I help you, Madam?
CUSTOMER: Yes, I want to buy a skirt
But your salesgirl won’t help me.
MANAGER: It’s not here department.
But if you step over to the other counter, I’m sure Mr. Meyers will help.
CUSTOMER: I told the girl and I’m telling you
I don’t want to buy a skirt from a man.
MANAGER: Why not?
CUSTOMER: Would you want a girl selling you a pair of pants
MANAGER: I would love it
CUSTOMER: What?
MANAGER: It would be a thrill.
In fact, dear lady, I would love to buy a pair of pants from you.
CUSTOMER: Are you out of your mind?
MANAGER: Only with lust.
How would you like to sit on my lap?
ACT 8: Waiting for heaven
(Two Russian astronauts in orbit around the earth)
KALINSKY: Boris?
BORIS: What?
KALINSKY: Do we get to go to the moon today?
BORIS: No.
KALINSKY: Why not?
BORIS: Because we have to circle this planet again.
KALINSKY: Why do we always have to go around this planet, Boris?
BORIS: Because they tell us to.
Why else?
KALINSKY: But I want to go to the moon.
BORIS: Well, you can’t go to the moon until someone says you can.
If they tell us we got to circle this planet again, we circle this planet.
KALINSKY: But I don’t want to circle this planet again.
BORIS: Neither do I.
But if they tell us to circle the planet, we have to circle the planet.
KALINSKY: I want to go to the moon, Boris.
BORIS: I told you. We can’t go until someone says we can.
KALINSKY: Let’s go to the moon anyway.
They won’t know.
BORIS: Of course, they’ll know.
Besides, we wouldn’t have enough fuel for a return trip.
KALINSKY: So who wants to come back?