The Ghost of Red Baron Tavern
( A Suburban Misfits tale)
SCENE 1 Tavern
(Bar keeper is cleaning up after closing, when he sees a beer mug move. He scratches his head and mumbles)
KEEP: Tommy, you’re working too hard.
(He continues to wash, then sees another mug move. Then another, and finally sees the ghost of Hank Sterns in the mirror.)
Damn!
SCENE 2 Ken in bed
(Telephone ring waking Ken from sleep. He fumbles for the phone then grunts into it)
KEN: Hello
KEEP: You got to get down here, Kenny.
KEN: It’s four in the morning
KEEP: I know what time it is.
But your friend Hank is causing havoc in my tavern.
KEN: That’s impossible. Hank’s been dead for going on two years.
KEEP: I know that!
But he’s your friend. So you’d better get him out of here.
KEN: I’ll be there tomorrow after work
SCENE 3: The tavern
(Ken and Pauly settle at a table in the busy tavern. The barkeeper comes up to the table)
KEN: I don’t see anything here.
KEEP: I did. And that’s what counts
PAULY: And you were sober?
KEEP: Don’t give me any guff, Garley.
I saw what I saw and I don’t need nobody else seeing it.
PAULY: Don’t you think a ghost would lend a little character to this place?
KEEP: It don’t need character.
I got a buyer who wants to build condos on the property and that last thing I need is for Hank or any ghost to scare him off.
KEN: You think that’s why Hank came back?
KEEP: Hank spent more time here than he ever did at home.
He once threatened to haunt me if I ever did what I’m doing now.
PAULY: So what do you expect us to do.
KEEP: Get rid of him.
(Barkeeper leaves and goes back behind the bar to handle the customers there. Pauly shakes his head)
PAULY: I don’t know what you dragged me here.
I hate this place
KEN: So did Hank.
PAULY: Yeah, that’s why he came here every night
KEN: He came here because he had no place else to go
Although he talked a lot about finding some place else and a better circle of friends.
PAULY: That’s pretty rich since you and me were his only friends.
KEN: That’s why I brought you here.
If anybody can talk him into leaving, we can.
PAULY: This isn’t like the good old days, Ken.
We’ve not here to drive him home because he had too much to drink.
He’s dead. He doesn’t need a designated driver.
KEN: I know it’s complicated.
But if we can’t help him nobody can.
PAULY: Help him do what?
KEN: Escape.
Hank felt trapped here in life
Do we want to see him spend an eternity here, too?
PAULY: He won’t have to.
The owner’s going to make condos of the place
KEN: And so he’ll haunt those instead.
PAULY: All right, enough whining. What do you want me to do?
KEN: Buy him a drink to start.
PAULY: Buy who a drink?
KEN: Hank.
PAULY: For Christ’s sake, Kenny.
Do you want to make us look like fools?
In public?
KEN: Just do it, will you.
You know what he drinks.
PAULY: Yeah, I know.
Barkeep!
KEEP: (comes over) What will it be?
PAULY: A rum and coke for our invisible friend.
KEEP: (Frowns) I sure hope you two know what you’re doing
(He goes off and comes back bearing the drink, then leaves again.)
PAULY: Okay, what now?
KEN: We wait.
PAULY: For what?
KEN: For that
(he points to the moving glass)
PAULY: Stop kicking the table, Ken
KEN: I’m not.
PAULY: Look, I put up with the farce long enough. You are not going to convince me Hank’s ghost is really here.
KEN: Can’t you smell his cologne?
PAULY (sniffs): My God!
I’d recognize that heap stuff anywhere.
(the glass rattles violently)
KEN: I wouldn’t make any of your usual rude remarks, Pauly.
PAULY: (looking around) All right. I’m behaving myself. Honest.
(then to Ken) What does he want?
KEN: I’m not sure I know.
PAULY: So how do you propose to find out?
Or did you intend to hold a séance in here?
KEN: If he’s here with us, he’ll find a way to talk with us.
PAULY: Why doesn’t that comfort me?
KEN: Maybe because we didn’t talk with him enough when he was still alive.
PAULY: Talk with him?
How could we?
All he ever did was go on and on about that girl -- what’s her name -- who dumped him.
KEN: Peggy.
Her name was Peggy
Hank loved her deeply.
He never got over her taking off with another man
PAULY: For 20 years, we had to hear about it.
Night after night, he ranted on.
It was enough to drive a man to drink.
KEN: It did.
PAULY: Don’t blame me for his kidneys failing
I didn’t steal his girl
And I didn’t put the drink in his hand
And I certainly didn’t make him stay in this dump night after night.
KEN: I know. I know.
But something’s keeping him here.
And if we two can’t work it out, nobody can.
PAULY: Maybe we can go get what’s her name and have her come here.
Maybe she can tell him how sorry she was for running off like she did.
KEN: I haven’t seen her in years, and even if I had, she wouldn’t come.
Hank scared her in life, his ghost would only terrorize her all the more.
PAULY: Can you blame me?
With all his drunk howling outside her door?
How many times did she move before she finally shook him?
Why isn’t he haunting her instead of this place?
KEN: God knows.
Maybe he spent so long here mourning the loss of her, his spirit can’t leave.
PAULY: So what do we do?
We can’t burn the place down so that Hank can go off to Never-Never Land.
KEN: Maybe we’re doing it already.
PAULY: Doing what?
KEN: Missing him.
Caring about him.
We didn’t talk much after the funeral
PAULY: What was there to say or remember?
That he was a class A drunk?
KEN: There was more to Hank than alcohol.
He had dreams, too.
He liked to sing.
I remember when I worked with him as an usher
He kept singing Born Free at me.
PAULY: You were lucky.
Hs sang John Denver songs at me.
If I hear “Take me Home Country Roads,” one more time.
I swear I might have killed him.
KEN: Maybe that’s what he wants
PAULY: He’s already dead, Kenny.
KEN: Maybe he wants us to sing to him.
PAULY: Here and now?
You’re crazy!
KEN: I’m serious.
The more I think about it, the more I think I’m right.
PAULY: No way, I’m going to sing John Denver
Even for Hank.
KEN: Born Free will do.
PAULY: That’s just as bad.
KEN; Come on, Pauly.
We didn’t do enough for him when we were alive.
The least we can do is see he gets off to the next world right.
PAULY: You’re as batty as he was.
KEN: Maybe.
But I’m the guy who stole his girl, remember?
PAULY: Yeah, I remember
You sing, I’ll hum along
This is your penance, not mine.
KEN: We both sing or it won’t work.
PAULY: All right, all right, I’ll sing.
(To Hank)
You near me, Hank?
I’m doing this for you.
(Scene fades with both of them singing.)