A Gift for Pauly
(The original screen play)
SCENE 1: (A garden apartment dining room. Jane and Pauly are just sitting down for a Christmas Eve meal when the door bell rings)
PAULY: Who on earth could that be?
JANE: If you don’t know then you’re not as smart as people say you are.
PAULY: Hank?
JANE: That would be my guess since he’s been here every night since we moved in.
PAULY: But I specifically told him not to bother us tonight.
JANE: You’ve told him not to bother us all those other nights, too. So why is tonight different?
PAULY: Because this is Christmas Eve.
JANE: All the worse since he seems to believe you and your old gang have a tradition of getting together every Christmas Eve.
PAULY: That was silly kid’s stuff when none of us had serious relationships. We could afford to drive around all night in those days looking for Christmas.
(The door bell rings again this time more insistently)
JANE: Apparently he still believes in the tradition. Are you going to let him in or we going to have to listen to this racket all night?
PAULY: (gets up from the table, crosses the room, yanks open the door) Well, well, well, if it isn’t Santa Claus.
HANK: Merry Christmas Eve. ( holding a Christmas gift out for Pauly to take. Pauly ignores it)
PAULY: I thought we agreed not to exchange presents this year.
HANK: No, you said you wanted to exchange them at the club.
PAULY: This isn’t the club, is it?
HANK: I never agreed. The band doesn’t play until next week and that’s after Christmas.
PAULY: I don’t want to go into this right now. Go away.
HANK: Does that mean Kenny can’t come in and wish you a happy Christmas?
PAULY: You dragged him here, too?
HANK: He’s out in the car.
PAULY: This is ridiculous. I’m not running a lonely hearts club here. Go away. (Pauly shoves Hank out and slams the door)
SCENE 2: (The rusting Dodge parked at the curb. Kenny is seated in it. Hank climbs behind the wheel.)
KENNY: Was he home?
HANK: He’s there. But he’s in one of his moods again.
KENNY: Well, he did tell you not to bother him tonight.
HANK: He says that every year.
KENNY: Other years he didn’t have a girlfriend to spend Christmas Eve with.
HANK: That’s not excuse for forgetting his friends. I don’t forget the gang’s tradition when I fall in love.
KENNY: You fall in and out of love so often it’s very likely you’re just as out of love as the rest of us when this time of year comes around.
HANK: I’m not going to let Pauly get away with this.
KENNY: You have that look in your eyes again, Hank. What exactly do you have in mind?
HANK: I’m not leaving until Pauly takes his gift.
KENNY: So leave it by the door.
HANK: It might get stolen.
KENNY: Well, I don’t think he’ll come out if he knows you’re out here.
HANK: We’ll see.
SCENE 3: (Pauly and Jane seated at the table. Pauly is dishing out food. The singing of Christmas carols sounds from outside.)
JANE: That sounds like Hank’s voice
PAULY: Of course it’s hank. Who else would have a warbly sound like that? Or sing so loudly. He could raise the dead.
JANE: Maybe you should let him in.
PAULY: He’ll want to exchange presents.
JANE: So?
PAULY: I didn’t get him any.
JANE: I don’t think he’ll mind. He just wants to share the holiday with you.
PAULY: Share, my ass. He’ll hog it up. We let him in we’ll need all over Santa’s helpers to get him to leave.
JANE: If you don’t, he’ll keep singing and have the whole apartment complex angry with us.
PAULY: If only I had an old boot.
JANE: Pauly, go talk with him. Maybe you can discourage him from singing.
PAULY: (gets up and go to the door, opening it just wide enough to shout out) Shut up, Hank or I’ll call the cops.
HANK: (shouting) Now, Kenny, hit the door, now! (Hank and Kenny push on the door as Hank tries to shove the present through the gap. Pauly manages to foil the attempt, shutting and locking the door again)
PAULY: Damned fools!
SCENE 4 (Hank and Kenny standing in front of Pauly’s door)
KENNY: Maybe we should leave him alone if he fells so strongly about this. After all it is Christmas.
HANK: It IS Christmas. And he’s the one acting like Scrooge.
KENNY: If that’s what he wants let him have it.
HANK: But that’s not what he wants. He tries this every year and every year he gets teary-eyed when we finally make it happen.
KENNY: Maybe he doesn’t want to get teary-eyed this year.
HANK: Come on (Hank heads towards the rusting Dodge)
KENNY: Where are we going?
HANK: To get help
SCENE 5 (Pauly at the window looking out)
PAULY: There they go
JANE: At least that’s settled.
PAULY: Like hell it is. Hank never gives up that easily. Which means he’s up to something. Get your coat.
JANE: What on earth for?
PAULY: We’re going out.
JANE: What about dinner?
PAULY: We’ll be back before it gets cold. I want them to think we’re gone
JANE: I’m not so sure about this, Pauly.
PAULY: I am. Just hurry up. They could be back any minute.
SCENE 6 (Pauly and Jane are just settled into the blue Volkswagen when the rusted Dodge returns)
PAULY: Duck!
JANE: This is silly, Pauly. I’m not going to spend Christmas Eve cramped up in your car.
PAULY: (Pulling Jane out of sight) You won’t have to. I just want them to get settled before we make our escape.
JANE: Escape where?
PAULY: No where. We’ll just drive out and then come back when they’re gone.
JANE: How do we know when they leave?
PAULY: They’ll get bored soon enough when they know we’re not home.
SCENE 7: (Hank and Kenny seated in the rusted Dodge when the blue Volkswagen pulls out of a nearby parking spot
HANK: Damn, he must have guessed about us hiring the carolers.
KENNY: So you wasted the money, Hank. There is goes. He won’t be here to hear them when they arrive.
HANK: Pauly isn’t going to get away with this (Hank guns the car in pursuit)
KENNY: What about the carolers. We’re supposed to point out which apartment to sing in front of.
HANK: No point. No one’s in it. We’ve got to catch Pauly.
SCENE 8 (Pauly and Jane riding down the highway in the blue Volkswagen. Hank and Kenny bumping their bumper with the rusty Dodge)
JANE: They’re right behind us.
PAULY: It was that damned red light. If I hadn’t stopped for that, we would have gotten clean away.
JANE: I’m not so sure Hank wouldn’t have run it. Why don’t you stop and make peace. It’s clear that he intends to follow us where ever we go.
PAULY: No, I can still get away from him. I know some tricks that will raise the hair on that fool’s neck.
JANE: Don’t do anything crazy, Pauly.
PAULY: I’m not doing anything crazy. But I need to get off this highway. He’s got a faster car than we do, so we need to get on some crooked streets where I can out-steer him.
JANE: Why can’t you just accept his present so we can go back to dinner?
PAULY: Because he does this every year and this year I’m going to teach him once and for all that when I saw leave me alone, I mean it.
(Pauly steers the car off an exist into the web work of village streets that eventually leads the car to dirt roads where the trees are so think the head lights can barely penetrate them. Pauly glances into the rear view mirror where Hank’s headlights show vaguely through the trees a few curves behind)
JANE: Stop this, Pauly. You’re going to get us killed.
PAULY: He’s like a demon! He just won’t take a hint.
JANE: Is he worth all of this? Stop the car.
PAULY: We’re going to stop, soon. I know this part of the valley better than he does. I know the perfect place to hide.
(Pauly turns the car sharply into a narrow slot between two trees, killing his headlights and his engine as he does, so that the car rolls to a stop, allowing the rusting Dodge to rumble passed).
JANE: (after a few minutes) Okay, he’s gone. Can we go home now?
PAULY: Not yet.
JANE: But I’m getting stiff and cold. Can you at least turn on the engine so we can get some heat?
PAULY: No way. Hank’s out there listening, waiting for us do to just that. We have to wait him out.
JANE: And how long will that be?
PAULY: As long as it takes.
SCENE 9 (The rusting Dodge pulls up in front of Pauly’s apartment)
HANK: I can’t believe we lost him.
KENNY: Let’s just leave the present by the door and go.
HANK: I suppose we’ll have to. (They get out of the car and walk up to the door which Pauly apparently left unlocked in his hurry to leave. Hank pushes it open with the tips of his fingers). Pauly? Are you here?
KENNY: It looks like he forgot to close and lock the door. Hey, don’t go inside.
HANK: I’m going to put his present inside. (steps inside, turns on a light) Hey, look, dinner. And its’ getting cold. It would be a shame to let it go to waste. Pull up a chair, Kenny.
KENNY: I don’t think we should.
HANK: Fine, you can watch me eat. At least we’ll be warm while we wait for Pauly to get back.