Religious School
(This play is adapted from a novel called “Get a life”)
SCENE: Kitchen with characters around the table: Uncle Ed, Albert (grandpa), Emma (grandma), and Kenny. Albert is seated at one end; Emma at the other, Kenny is seated across from the standing and pacing Uncle Ed)
UNCLE ED: I don’t believe this. One day in that Goddamn religious school and the boy’s already in trouble. (glaring at Kenny) What did you do this time, boy?
KENNY: I didn’t do anything, Uncle Ed.
UNCLE ED: Then why did the nuns send you home with a note?
ALBERT: Calm down, Ed. It’s only a note.
UNCLE ED: It’s a note that says the school wants one of us to go down there and talk to the nuns tomorrow.
ALBERT: It could be for any reason.
UNCLE ED: If it was for a good reason, they would have said so in the note. One day, that’s all it took for him to get intro trouble.
ALBERT: Your mother will go down there in the morning with the boy and straighten things out.
UNCLE ED: I don’t think that’s good enough, Pa.
ALBERT: What exactly did you have in mind?
UNCLE ED: I think the boy needs a beating.
ALBERT: That’s your sister’s boy, Ed. He’s kin.
UNCLE ED: I know who he is, Pa, and I know all the trouble he’s caused here in the neighborhood.
ALBERT: What kind of trouble?
UNCLE ED: You must remember when he shot Mr. Williams in the face with his peashooter.
ALBERT: That was an accident. The boy was shooting at a sign.
UNCLE ED: That’s not all, and you know it. Trouble is the boy’s middle name. I’m sure that school got along just find before the boy came along. He’s got the devil in him.
ALBERT: And you don’t think Religious school can handle the devil?
UNCLE ED: Not this time. I think we need to whack it out of him.
ALBERT: Did I ever whack you?
UNCLE ED: I didn’t terrorize the neighborhood like he does.
ALBERT: There you go again with that. Don’t you think terrorizing is putting it a little strong?
UNCLE ED: No. People are afraid of the boy. When they see him coming they yank their kids inside and lock their doors.
EMMA: It’s true, Albert. Not a day goes by when someone isn’t calling to complain about something the boy has done.
ALBERT: Like what? I mean besides the peashooter business.
UNCLE ED: Like Mrs. Gunya. She caught him picking her prize flowers.
ALBERT: So you would beat the boy for picking flowers?
UNCLE ED: That’s not all he does. Just the other day we caught him playing with matches.
ALBERT: What boy doesn’t play with matches? You did at his age, too.
UNCLE ED: It’s not me we’re talking about. It’s the boy. He’s the one they want to toss out of school.
ALBERT: It’s just a note, Ed.
UNCLE ED: A note on his first day, Pa!
ALBERT: I told you. Your mother will straighten it out.
UNCLE ED: If it can be straightened out. We may never get to the bottom of this.
ALBERT: Did you bother asking the boy what he did?
UNCLE ED: Sure I did. But he just sits there and says he doesn’t know
ALBERT: Maybe you didn’t ask him right?
UNCLE ED: You mean there’s a right and wrong way to wring the truth out of him?
ALBERT: Let me try. (To Kenny) Why did the nuns give you that note, Kenny?
KENNY: I don’t know, grandpa.
UNCLE ED: See!
ALBERT: Shut up, Ed. (To Kenny) Can you try and remember anything that might have happened while you were at school?
KENNY: All I remember is saying that I didn’t believe in God.