Sometimes right is not enough

 

January 26, 1984

 

Sometimes being right isn’t enough, enough in the sense of winning.

Throughout history, mankind has committed crimes in the name of right, therefore transforming whatever benefits it had into wrong.

This is my problem. When I am hurt or scared, I become like a rat and turn viciously upon anyone that comes near.

Lynn upstairs is one.

Oh, I believe I am right in the central complaint, but wrong in others, wrong when it comes to things I’ve said – and cannot with clear conscience face her or her son.

Half of this comes with guilt over my uncle, knowing that I have sent him back to that prison called Graystone.

For what?

Money is a big part of it, and I feel just as I did as a child, trapped, guilty, knowing that I’ve stolen and expect to get caught, worse, making myself get caught.

I know that if I keep up this madness and hostility, someone will punish me, if not my uncle directly, then the law.

It is punishment I seek, the same sort that was threatened when my uncle caught my hand in the till as a kid, and the punishment isn’t only for Ritchie, but for my mother, my aunt, my grandmother, my wife, my child.

All those souls I have abandoned in my life, and it is me who abandoned them. That is the crux of it.

Call it procrastination, call it not caring. But part of me closes up on them and says, “no,” and now it comes to a head. I either deal with this immense amount of guilty or I break.

I need to let the pressure out somehow, need to expose the wound to air where it can heal.

There is guilt in other place, too, in school, with Dr. Thomas, in living my life. I am 12 again and terrified, hoping that Anne will somehow save me, only Anne is most destructive, Anne herself is on the verge of collapse. She can little afford to carry my weight.

So here I sit, waiting for the bomb to explode, growing nastier and nastier with people that surround me, pushing my luck to the limit.

But it is open and aggressive self destruction. It is my life on the line, just as things are beginning to look good. It is time to seek help before I do real damage to myself, it is time to cry for aid, and of course, see Dr. Thomas again.